Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
