I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
