I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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