And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
