After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
