Old men and throwing up are my life now.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
