have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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