If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
