he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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