I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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