suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
