Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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