so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
