Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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