Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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