Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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