my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
