you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
