i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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