If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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