You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
