Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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