I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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