If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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