Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
