Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
