I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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