So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm at about main and main street
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
