No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
