..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
