my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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