I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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