Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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