That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
