when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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