I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
