Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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