Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sext me about skeletons
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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