his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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