Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
