ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
