I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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