I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
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there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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