apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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