Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
