I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
