"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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