I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
