you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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