I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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