I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Randomize
