I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
