I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
