I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
