I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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